Healing Through My Pregnancy
28 August 2023
Logging in my first entry for this blog at 24 weeks of my pregnancy to a lovely and lively baby girl in my growing tummy. I’ve been intending to blog about my pregnancy journey the moment I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to document the experience of my first pregnancy. However, life and a major US family trip got in the way, and so it is only now that I’ve been back home for more than a month that I have found the time (and the energy because first trimester was a doozy!) to finally open the laptop and start typing my thoughts away.
I’ll start by acknowledging that I am blessed with the privilege of not having to show up to an office for work every day for 8 or more hours. I help manage one of our family businesses which allows me to work remotely and stay at home. Which has been very helpful in my first and (currently) second trimester because I can take naps when I need and prepare a snack every few hours when me and the baby get hungry - plus all the bathroom breaks I need to pee. However, because I’m at home a lot, it gets pretty lonely. Most of my family and friends are busy with their own jobs and lives, and it’s been really hard for me to find someone to talk to and share what’s been on my mind. So consider this blog as my online journal, but also as an attempt to find connection with any of you out there who relates to what I’m going through - pregnant or not.
So as mentioned earlier, I am currently at 24 weeks into my pregnancy and calling my experience so far as a roller coaster ride is honestly an understatement. It feels more like I’m on a tiny rowboat out on the open sea and I have sailed through rough storms, beautiful sunsets, starry skies and along diving dolphins and breaching whales as well as giant sharks and orcas. It’s been everything… and more. I’ve been living with and healing my anxiety ever since I found out about it in 2014. My Yoga and meditation practice has helped me so much and, in the recent years, my studies with Trauma-Informed Yoga and energy healing has supported my healing journey even more. But major life changes, including this pregnancy, can trigger old fears and traumas that I thought were already healed and ay-okay. Add a new layer of mom guilt into the picture, and you can imagine how crazy and difficult is can get - or at least I hope you can try to imagine.
My first trimester was quite interesting because a month after my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were scheduled to fly to the US to visit family in different states from June to July. This trip was long overdue because of the pandemic putting things into a stand still and because our funds got redirected to our wedding last February. My OB gave me the go signal to travel because her assessment of me was that I was strong and healthy enough to handle all the traveling. Luckily, my 1T symptoms were fairly mild as compared to some of my friends who experienced extreme pregnancy symptoms. I barely had morning sickness or any food cravings/aversions. I just needed to constantly keep my belly warm to avoid any nausea and have a glass of ginger ale if a certain kind of food would not agree with me. I did need to nap a lot because I’d get tired easily, which was easy to do since we were on vacation. BUT all the constant travelling from place to place took a toll on me. I’m so grateful for Raja, my husband, for being my boundary advocate whenever I found it difficult to decline any plans from family of taking us to places because I’d rather stay home and rest (yep, I’m a Class A people-pleaser). The biggest struggle I went through during this time was the worry and anxiety of whether or not my baby was okay in there. I did not get to see my doctor for 2 months, nor was I able to get an ultrasound during that time. So I was really just hoping that the baby was okay. And when I’d be stuck in the hotel alone while the rest of our group would be out doing some physical activity I’m not allowed to do, I start getting very disturbing thoughts about the baby being born with abnormalities because of something I ate that I actually wasn’t supposed to while pregnant, or because I’d be worrying a lot that the stress hormones in my body will affect the baby’s neural development, and so on and so forth. It even reached a point where I triggered severe skin allergies called Urticaria which only happens when I am highly HIGHLY stressed. So when we finally flew back home and arrived back in Baguio, I scheduled a check-up with my doctor the very next day and requested for an ultrasound just to see with my own eyes that our baby was whole, healthy, and safe. Which, thankfully, was true in every possible aspect. But even after that assurance, I’d still have these thoughts hiding in a corner in my head. But being home and settled back into our regular routine of work and home life has lessened the intensity of my anxiety. Plus finally feeling our baby move in my womb as we entered our second trimester gives me a lot more assurance that all is well.
Now that I am in our 2nd Trimester, which most mothers and doctors describe as the sweet spot during pregnancy, the anxiety has lessened. It has, however, been replaced with A LOT of emotional catharsis. But will share more on that in my next post. :)